Just so you know I haven’t thrown myself into a volcano or anything. The next chapter is indeed coming soon, but it will not be free. Beginning this issue has been challenging for a number of reasons. We’ll start with the technical problems.
I hit a wall this past year when it came to coloring techniques, and as an untrained and uneducated artist, I had to figure it out for myself. Apparently there aren’t any professionals among my peers who wished to contribute to my education, and to those people I offer a rousing, “Fuck you.” I asked for help. That’s the hardest part. I got crickets for my trouble. This happened on several different platforms, so if you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably right, but know that you’re not alone. Pissing me off that bad was definitely a team effort. Which leads me to the psychological problems.
I am experiencing a condition called Autistic Burnout. I suppose I should thank the folks I’m referencing in the above paragraph, because without their non-help, I wouldn’t have experienced a weeks-long debilitating meltdown/shutdown that clued me in to the fact that I’ve been living with undiagnosed autism for 48 years. Realizing this has been the most profound discovery of my life. And like most undiagnosed adults, I was in the throes of burnout when I finally figured it out. I’ve already written about a dozen expository essays on my progress with this shit elsewhere, so I won’t go too in depth here, but suffice it to say I’m emerging from this hell even stronger and more resolute than before. Which leads me to the social problems.
Over the course of the past several months, and rather coincidental with the autism diagnosis, I have begun losing friends like dead leaves. I guess many of these people were never really my friend to begin with, yadda yadda. But it’s been a real eye opener, finding out who will just act like you never existed for no discernible reason. Or who will back away slowly when they find out you have The ‘Tism. Ironically, my insta followers have exploded since I stopped giving a fuck. I know they’re all AI, probably, but if one or two are real, I appreciate you. As I appreciate the hell out of the few people who did actually respond positively to me when I was going through the worst part of this. I do have some very amazing people in my life, and this period of time has helped me to see who actually cares about me and who doesn’t. I’ve had to legitimately mourn people who are still alive because I know they will never talk to me again, for reasons that are beyond my control, and probably have nothing to do with me. This has been very hard to accept. Which now leads to the healing.
Ragdoll has always been what has healed me. And I’ve always subconsciously kind of held myself back from her because I felt guilty about spending so much time and effort working on a comic book that no one reads or gives a shit about. A person’s effort should be spent on pursuits that are lucrative, right? Bullshit. We’ve built our whole society on that mess, and look where it’s gotten us. If there’s one thing the autism has taught me, it’s that my special interest is sacred, and you can fuck right off if you want me to stop. The reason I’ll be charging for future issues is simply this: C.Y.A. Cover Your Ass. Which brings me to my next point; being true to myself.
I want to cover my ass because I am about to cut loose in a way I haven’t before. For years, I have felt so guilty about expressing myself, because that impulse was literally beaten out of me as a child. “Shut up, sit down, stop squirming. Be quiet. HOLD STILL.” It continued into my adulthood. “Stop drawing so much. Stop singing so loud. Stop being so emotional. Stop needing to be comfortable. Stop being blunt. Stop being weird. Stop being queer. Stop smoking pot.” NO! Motherfuckers. No. I think I’ve proven beyond a shadow of a doubt just how much I care about my own sanity and well-being, and about how little the world at large cares about my sanity and well-being. I’m going to do what I want, and I’m going to do it in a way that keeps the proverbial “Them” from stopping me. Which brings me to my next point; this fucking guy…
The most Autistic of all of my creations, and he has been screaming the truth at me since the moment I first drew those ears and that grin. He and I are going to have tons of fun together for the next however-many issues there are. And we are now armed with one of the most powerful weapons we’ve ever had: The Knowledge of the Autistic Gift of Hyperfocus. And more importantly, how to turn it off when necessary.
I have been a victim of my own hyperfocus abilities ever since I discovered my special interest; drawing (specifically Ragdoll). I’ve always used the metaphors of deep diving, coming up for air, drowning, or getting sick with the bends when it came to describing my creative process. Well, now it’s like I have a tether to the surface. Now that I’m aware of where the hyperfocus comes from, I can gently remind myself to assess whether or not I want to be in that hyperfocus moment, or whether it’s inappropriate to not turn my attention elsewhere. I’m not selfish for hyperfocusing. I’m Autistic for hyperfocusing. This is something I’ve corrected with simple, practical solutions. A medium sized analog clock on the wall, for one. Also, my bladder has become my best friend. Whenever I have to take a leak, it gives me an important moment to walk away and test my tether; to ask the one operating the oxygen hose if it’s time to come back up to the surface world. If I’d known this sooner I could’ve been working more efficiently, but whatever. I know now, and as all of us Gen-X and Xennial kids will tell you, knowing is half the battle.
So, as the title says, the next update is coming soon. Probably within the next couple of weeks. I’m putting finishing touches on the cover, and almost about to start lettering these first few pages. The beginning of the issue is always slowest to start. But I feel as if it will be worth the wait, if you are willing to pay the cost of admission. Either way, I get to see it, I get to make it, I get to experience every bit of it. I really hope those of you out there who have gotten this far have something like that for yourselves. A special interest is the greatest gift the universe can give you.
