The Flu

OMG, I’m miserabllllllllllllllllle. I took a COVID test last week, and that was negative, so it’s gotta be the flu.

This is week two, and I’m on an upswing, but I still feel like crap, and I still have to work (from home, thankfully), so artwork and updates will have to wait a minute.

Pardon me while I hack up a lung. =_=

Toxic Positivity

My need for constant validation is an unfortunate symptom of my childhood trauma. I was raised being told that I was a piece of shit every day. I’m paraphrasing, of course. Sometimes the actual quote was more subtle, sometimes it was much, much worse, and accompanied by violence.

Healing is usually a painful experience, and sometimes you have to rattle your cage a bit before you can figure out how to escape. Crying out for answers makes me feel ashamed, because toxic positivity has been so ingrained in my brain. Chin up, best foot forward, you only get one chance to make a good first impression, you want to look professional right?

Yeah, I’m sick of it, and ready to talk about what a horrible fucking year it’s been. I lost my father, and then my father-in-law 9 weeks apart this summer. My husband and I, with his poor mother in tow, got kicked out of our house by an absolutely psychotic landlord because we only cut the lawn twice a month. I missed my dad’s funeral because we had move into our new place that day. That was the day before my 47th birthday.

Speaking of being an old bitch, I’m going through peri, which, according to the boomer ladies at my office, is a completely foreign concept that they can’t relate to. Yeah, Gen-X women are definitely the first to go through the fucking change. Gimme a break. Dude, it’s like going through puberty all over again, except now I’m a grown-up lady with a vocabulary that can direct my rage to very specific issues.

How about the fact that I am invisible to society, and my thoughts and opinions no longer matter? Not that they ever really did, but when you’re young and attractive, it’s easier to sell your “brand” or what-the-fuck-ever. How about waking up one day and realizing that everything you ever thought was cool or moving or groundbreaking is now considered dated and completely unrelatable? How about the fact that my day job, the best job I ever had, is literally going to kill me if I can’t find a way to chill the fuck out and lower my expectations?

Then there was the election. T_T (That there is what we old folks used to use for a crying emoji back in my day.)

I feel like there isn’t much left to look forward to, but I soldier on. Mainly for my spouse and my cats. It’s a weird little family, but I love them. And one day soon, the creative spark of joy will come back into my life when I realize that no one giving a shit is the best thing ever. I just needed to puke into the internet a little bit, so maybe you people will know that I am a real person, with real feelings, and I do matter, even if you don’t agree.

Nobody wants to see your shitty art: A rant by Melody Hasselvander

Myth number 1:
Be your authentic self!

But don’t, actually. Nobody likes my authentic self except a handful of disturbed individuals that call me their friend, in real life. My authentic self is sarcastic, abrasive, and has zero tolerance for stupid social media bullshit like pandering to your elementary school art teacher and/or some rando you worked with for two weeks in 2010.

Myth number 2:
Interact with community members, and give genuine comments, likes, and encouragement!

Fuck you. My genuine and kind interactions with community members usually end the same way as in real life. “Uh.. why are you talking to me you creepy bitch?”

Myth number 3:
Keep at it! Building a following takes time!

Bitch, I been on DeviantArt for 21 years, and have 106 watchers, half of which don’t log in anymore. Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense.

I know there are more myths, but that’s all I’ve got off the top of my head on a Monday morning. Obviously I’m frustrated. And obviously I’m never going to stop drawing until I’m dead, but for the time being, this is still a free country so I’m going to bitch and moan as much as I want about this. The algorithms suck, the internet sucks, and social media is the root of most evil in the modern world.

I can’t remember the last time I got an “Atta Girl” from anyone. People probably wonder why it takes so long for me to update, and the truth is, I know nobody fucking cares. I prioritize my day job and my family because it is so hard to squeeze any joy from posting my art online.

These are the things I wish I would hear sometimes:

“Damn, Mel, that’s badass!”

“Wow, your inking and shading have improved so much in the last few years!”

I’ll even take:

“I’d like your art more if your colors weren’t so headache-inducing, and your textures weren’t so smooth.”

“Your style is very unique, so most people probably won’t like it at first glance.”

And I realize there is no point to this rant whatsoever because no one will ever see it. I’m avoiding social media like the plague right now for obvious reasons, and even if I wasn’t, this would just be seen as whining, and might even garner an “Awww, don’t be discouraged,” from one of the three friends I still have left in real life. Did everyone forget that artists are inherently moody and depressed creatures? Like, why the fuck would anyone think that an artist, by that definition, could go on a positivity-vomiting posting spree with nothing but “Good Vibes, Y’all!!”

So, the point of this rant, I guess, is in the one in a million chance that some fan (haha) reads this post and maybe feels a little less shitty about their own experiences online. I really miss the old internet, where the average Jane had a shot at something, but those days are gone. I’m just an irrelevant, old, white bitch who keeps making shitty art. I had once hoped to inspire women and artists. Here’s a tip: make sure you do it before you turn 30, because you don’t even matter to the masses afterwards.

I dunno, I guess David Cross said it best, “If you don’t like my Pussy Doodles, then I don’t want to know you.”

New Covers

I’ve just finished a new cover for Ragdoll #1. I felt like it needed something special and iconic that I couldn’t give it until now. I’ll be reformatting all of the covers with an updated logo, and replacing the old covers at IndyPlanet as soon as they can get the files handled, so get the originals while you still can. The artwork will remain unchanged on all issues except #1, but the logos will change, and the white backgrounds on 1 – 6 will be removed. In the meantime, enjoy a preview of the new cover art for Ragdoll #1.

Ragdoll #9 Posting

The first two scenes of Ragdoll #9 went up today.

Drawing fast as I can will never be fast enough!

Don’t keep this series to yourself! If you see something, say something! For fuck’s sake point this book out to your friends if you think it’s cool. Or hell, even if you think it’s stupid.

Revamping the site again

I’m changing the layout of this website to better display my comics.

I liked posting as I finished the sections (like on Webtoon, etc.) but here, I don’t have to worry about censorship, ever. My comics are full of naked boobs, drugs, violence, and general naughtiness. I’d been getting warnings from the various webcomic sites out there, which is why you will now find only censored sample pages of Ragdoll on sites like Tapas and others. I leave those pages up for exposure.

My goal with ragdollcomics.com is to have a place to publish the sections on a semi-regular basis (as life permits) with options to purchase print and hi-res digital copies. As always, the website is a work in progress, so enjoy the changes.