My need for constant validation is an unfortunate symptom of my childhood trauma. I was raised being told that I was a piece of shit every day. I’m paraphrasing, of course. Sometimes the actual quote was more subtle, sometimes it was much, much worse, and accompanied by violence.
Healing is usually a painful experience, and sometimes you have to rattle your cage a bit before you can figure out how to escape. Crying out for answers makes me feel ashamed, because toxic positivity has been so ingrained in my brain. Chin up, best foot forward, you only get one chance to make a good first impression, you want to look professional right?
Yeah, I’m sick of it, and ready to talk about what a horrible fucking year it’s been. I lost my father, and then my father-in-law 9 weeks apart this summer. My husband and I, with his poor mother in tow, got kicked out of our house by an absolutely psychotic landlord because we only cut the lawn twice a month. I missed my dad’s funeral because we had move into our new place that day. That was the day before my 47th birthday.
Speaking of being an old bitch, I’m going through peri, which, according to the boomer ladies at my office, is a completely foreign concept that they can’t relate to. Yeah, Gen-X women are definitely the first to go through the fucking change. Gimme a break. Dude, it’s like going through puberty all over again, except now I’m a grown-up lady with a vocabulary that can direct my rage to very specific issues.
How about the fact that I am invisible to society, and my thoughts and opinions no longer matter? Not that they ever really did, but when you’re young and attractive, it’s easier to sell your “brand” or what-the-fuck-ever. How about waking up one day and realizing that everything you ever thought was cool or moving or groundbreaking is now considered dated and completely unrelatable? How about the fact that my day job, the best job I ever had, is literally going to kill me if I can’t find a way to chill the fuck out and lower my expectations?
Then there was the election. T_T (That there is what we old folks used to use for a crying emoji back in my day.)
I feel like there isn’t much left to look forward to, but I soldier on. Mainly for my spouse and my cats. It’s a weird little family, but I love them. And one day soon, the creative spark of joy will come back into my life when I realize that no one giving a shit is the best thing ever. I just needed to puke into the internet a little bit, so maybe you people will know that I am a real person, with real feelings, and I do matter, even if you don’t agree.
